Happy new year

Started January 2021

I love a recent emailed article from my past therapist. She believes that a new year does not suddenly mean that everything will be better. Allow me to elaborate and share my interpretation.

It is great to have a reason to celebrate and to have reasons for setting goals and resolutions. It is also very easy to blame a (calendar) year on all the bad events that happened to occur within that 12-month period. But a calendar has been contrived by humans- it really serves no purpose other than a means for keeping track of the passing of days and connecting moments with dates. Although we recycled or trashed our 2020 calendars (or refuse to look at them on our digital interfaces), opened a new 2021 calendar, flipped to a new page, celebrated the new digits that we put after the month and day, not much else has really changed. One year is not a self-contained entity, entirely distinct and separate from the year prior or the year yet to come. They blend and merge into the general passage of time, and everything that happened in that year's time remains with us. As our memories, the shared and individual history- it is all "there" to be acknowledged and utilized in order to make the future better and brighter.

So in February 2021, what is still true and relevant, i.e., pretty much everything from 2020. There is still COVID-19 (and a new strain) and people are still getting sick and dying from it. Masks still help to prevent the spread. It is still in the best practice for every community member to limit travel, errands, face time with friends and extended family. The former president is still in the news in unfavorable light. Systemic racism still needs to be dismantled. (Just to name a few.) The shit show is still on folks! 

This isn't pessimism- it is realism. Though it may sound negative, it is not meant to be so. It is a more refreshing way to look at the world in which we live. As we note the day of the week or the specific date, find ways to live in the now. (If it helps to imagine a mini-you residing in the corresponding calendar box, go right ahead.) Embrace the daily challenges as exciting learning opportunities in which to do new things instead of lamenting in the undesirable differences. 

Take the shift in exercise that many of us have experienced, for example. My therapist misses in-person yoga "like a fury," and I would much rather be on the floating floor at the Burn gym instead of sweating by myself on an unforgiving carpet-burn-giving floor at home. But we both embrace the less hectic days of running from one place to the next. And less driving (less gasoline consumption) aligns with my green values, which eases my conscious while also helping the world. Are you grateful for the reduced number of color-coded activities on your Google calendar? Can you embrace the spaces of quiet and nothingness in-between? 

As my therapist pointed out, finding things for which to be grateful is always good and even better now when we allow ourselves to recognize that last year truly has not stopped being present. By embracing the moments as they come, there is a good chance that this year will feel positively different from last year, even if all we really have done is change the year's last digit-zero- to a one. 

Letter 4 to Grandma R

 December 27, 2020

 

Dear Grandma, 

Merry Christmas! What a strange year it has been! I don’t think I told you about the Gazette that Emma wrote for November; she had a section all about the holidays and food. She reminisced about the holidays we spent at your place. She could not remember all of the people that were there but she remembered you and the food. It was very sweet. I always enjoyed helping you in the kitchen with preparations- I wish I could have learned more from you. Steve’s Mom was touched by that article as well and made a point to ask each of us what special foods we wanted for the feast. I think that you tended to mix things up and never always had the same thing each year. It was always delicious though!

 

Our Christmas at home was quiet and peaceful. On Christmas Eve we baked some spritz cookies (well I did) and wrapped presents. After dinner we took a very cold, and so short, walk around the block. We watched the taped Christmas Eve service that Messiah did- it was similar to the church services they have been taping and airing the whole pandemic time. The girls played a duet of a song with the title “New World Symphony” but which we recognize as “Kyrie Eleison.” They were going to try to learn a Christmas song but they ran out of time. Pastor Jeff was super nice to accommodate their tardy submission of a non-holiday song that also had horrible video quality. (I did not cover our messes in the background or add any festive decorations to the scene. Oh well!) So in the minutes leading up to the start of the service, they showed videos of children playing their instruments as well as some prelude music by an older pianist in the congregation. Emma and Annika were the last ones to play before the start of the service and it was wonderful to see them participate with their talent. They had also gone in the week before to be recorded reading from the Gospel of Luke. They did super well and I think enjoyed watching themselves during the service. It was all very well done and very lovely. After the service there was music first by a man on the organ (very fun song) and then he accompanied a man on violin. I have probably mentioned the violinist before- his name is Levi and listening to him play in church always reminds me of Grandpa. I hope Emma and Annika were inspired by the superb playing. 

 

On Christmas day the girls made us breakfast- oat scones, fresh squeezed OJ and grapefruit halves. They did all of this before doing anything more than just looking at the Santa gifts! It was quite the display of self restraint! After presents and lunch we went to the farm and enjoyed a lovely afternoon of games and conversation. After chores we had a wonderful meal. Mom made this delicious stuffing that I think you would have liked as well. It was cubes potato bread, a packet of spices that came with it (bought in PA on their trip to visit Susan) and sliced almonds. I did not miss the sausage surprisingly!

 

I miss you so much! Chuck texted a merry Christmas message and I responded but I owe him a phone call. You were the glue, Grandma, and it is so hard without you. I had a dream about you the other night where at first I was telling you to check out what the new owners have done to your house but then I changed my mind because it just looks too different. I thought you might find it as disturbing as I do. Chuck sent me pictures and that was enough for me. I do not want to drive by and have the new images replace my wonderful old memories of the place. 

 

Pretty soon it will be New Year’s and we are all hoping for the vaccines to come through quickly and that the pandemic can end soon. I have other hopes too for my family. 

I am hoping that poor Emma will find some relief from her anxiety, that Dr. Mary thinks is an Adjustment Disorder. Becoming a teenager and dealing with the hormonal ebb and flow and usual brain changes is just too much on top of her general anxiety and worry. Dr. Mary has suggested medicine but I hesitate to go that route before trying all the options. Susan had some great ideas for mindfulness stress relief and focusing on changing emotions. We will do our best to get Emma to try some of her ideas. Emma may be more receptive to suggestions from Aunt Susie than her parents. :)

 I am also hoping that Annika will find more constructive outlets for her anger. I think I told you about the “Let’s Taco About It!” paper tool that we made together. She does not use it. In the moment she is too upset to reach for it. I need to practice with her more in the quiet times, but even still I think we need more effective tools that she wants to use during her outbursts. Our doctor said that we may just need to let her scream (and think in our heads, well that was loud) and then move on. It is just really hard and I worry about what it could mean as she gets older. And sometimes she does respond with physical aggression, which of course is not good. (And between you and me I cannot help by think of my mom and brother. I want to help her so she can live with more healthy peace.)

As for Steve, I hope that his employees stop quitting so he can stoop taking it personally. Poor guy had two people quit in one week, the week before Christmas and then a third pretty much told him he has another job lined up. They have all said the reasons are nothing to do with Steve or the work place- all personal reasons. But it is super hard- the remaining employees have to pick up the work because they cannot hire right away to fill the spots due to the upcoming merger with the other company. He is using some vacation time to be at home during break, which is awesome! But he is on-call starting this week for two weeks. He just really needs a break. We thought about taking a small trip but we have to stay in Wisconsin and that limits out options and there is not anything to do anyway because of COVID. 

Personally, I am hoping for good results and easy fixes to my health issue. I have my CT scan, imaging and surgical consult appointments this week. I will keep you posted. I am trying not to worry too much but I am starting to have anxiety dreams. And it does bother me more than I want to admit. Emma is funny-she asked point blank, “Do we need to worry about this?” When we said no, she calmly listened to the sparse details we provided and seemed to let it go. Thank goodness for that! 

 

Merry, merry Christmas, Grandma. I hope that the joy of the season warms your heart. Everyone says hello and send their love.

 

Love, Tara

 

Grandma R- letter 3

 Letter 3 to Grandma R

 

Dear Grandma,

Hello! I am so hoping for snow even though the weather has been mild and relatively enjoyable. I do not have to wear too many layers when I take the dog for a walk. But you know me, I really love the snow and wish we could have some soon! I know that is never on your list. 

     Today when I asked Steve and Annika if they had any desires for dinner, Annika said, “something good that I will eat.” That made me laugh. She has certainly become the picky eater in the family. At least a couple of times per week she complains about the meal, saying it is disgusting and refusing to eat it. We do not like to serve other dishes so sometimes she eats only the sides. Other times, like recently, when dessert is too much of a draw she throws her fit and then silently eats a serving of the main, nutritious dish. It is hard to bite my tongue sometimes! Remember how easy Emma was when it came to food? She still is for the most part, despite the vegetarian decision recently. 

Anyway, Annika then proceeded to suggest pasta and then she enthusiastically suggested “we could make homemade pasta!” I don’t recall if I ever asked you about making pasta. I remember when you gave me the pasta maker you had and think that maybe it had something to do with one of Grandpa’s ideas like making a Julia Child recipe. Annika loves the pasta maker. She got tired from the hand kneading but then she rolled out all of the dough for 1 pound of pasta! Then she rolled it all through the cutter blade to make super thin and long pasta. It was delicious. Or so they all said. Before she got started on her batch of pasta dough I made one so that we could have a delicious wide-noodle dish with sausage and spinach. We made it several years ago when Susan lived with us and Karen Anna was visiting. Everyone loved it and I have been reminiscing and salivating. :)

Thanks to the pasta maker, Annika enjoys helping out in the kitchen, so thank you. 

So this advent season we will have enjoyed food inspired indirectly by you by using the pasta maker. We will also think of Grandma Helwig when we make Kolachy cookies. It has been years since we made them. I don’t think we even have the family recipe but i found one that came with a fruit filling from the last time we indulged ourselves. Actually, we have made quite an extensive Christmas cookie list. We have high hopes and great ambition; I just hope we can find the time and energy to bake them all. And let’s not think about eating them all! 

I found out today that I have gained a few pounds, which all things considered could have been a much higher amount. I have been exercising regularly, though it is not as cardio focused as in the past as I am still working through the plantar fasciitis and Achille’s heel injuries from January. It is taking so long to return to normal! I was getting weighed for my endocrinology appointment. The doctor said that the high calcium level in conjunction with the high parathyroid hormone suggests primary hyperparathyroidism. But I also have a vitamin D deficiency. It is a complicated system that I do not think I entirely understand despite his best efforts to explain it to me. The gist is that I am going to have to do a 24 urine analysis to eliminate high calcium as a result of a hereditary issue. Since I am not aware of elevated calcium levels as being a family issue, this seems unlikely. Therefore, I will likely have primary hyperparathyroidism. So I am starting a low does of Vitamin D and will have follow up bloodwork in 2 months to reevaluate. He thinks it is likely that at that point the Vitamin D will have improved some but the calcium and parathyroid hormone levels will still be high at which point he will suggest imaging to determine which of the 4 parathyroid glands is being overactive. Then I will meet with a surgeon to discuss surgery to remove the overactive section(s) of the gland(s). I am not looking forward to the process but if the end result will mean I have more energy, less risk for kidney stones and osteoporosis and better health then great. I will keep you posted.

Love, Tara

 

Grandma R- letter 2

 Letter 2  12/3/2020

Dear Grandma,

Happy Thanksgiving! Things were so strange this year but we could still find things for which to be thankful. Since Steve’s parents had been traveling to see Karen Anna in Kentucky and Susan in Philly, we were a little wary about having an indoor meal with them. Plus all these restrictions and guidelines were issued for the state and for Dane County. We tend to get more restrictions than in other parts of the state, and I think that may be why our COVID-19 statistics are better than the overall state stats. Anyway, Annika’s school also asked all the families to stick close to home and if you were to travel or celebrate with extended family or friends it was expected that you would keep your child home the entire following week. That would have been way too hard to accomplish as I had several meetings on the calendar. Mostly, we just wanted to do the right thing and set a good example for our girls by following rules and making decisions that are better for the community (and not do things for selfish reasons). It was so hard to tell Steve’s parents that we would be celebrating at home but they took it well and understood, especially when Steve explained about annika’s school parameters.

So we had a nice meal at home. I was thinking about you as we cooked up sausage stuffing (for Steve and I). Emma has decided that she is vegetarian (more on that later) and Annika is of course taking up the cause as well. Emma made vegan gravy, which amazingly was super delicious. We could all imagine what you would have to say about it. We also had some green beans, raw and cooked cauliflower, cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes, and cornbread pomegranate stuffing. For dessert we had that frozen cranberry dessert my Mom always used to make, egg nog shakes and pumpkin face cookies. It was delicious but we missed the camaraderie of cooking with you, eating with extended family. 

We went to see Steve’s parents on Saturday and spent time outside saddling Charley and attempting to get him to move. He is quite the stubborn pony! We also went on a hike at an outdoor learning center nearby that might purchase some goats from Mom and Dad. It is beautiful property with woods, a pond, an old quarry and lots of neat outdoor barns and buildings. We are all hoping things calm down so that we can visit the farm for a meal and visiting inside come Christmas.

We got our Christmas tree the Friday before Thanksgiving. Steve had taken the day off of work since he has so much vacation time to use before the end of the year. It seemed like a nice, quiet time to get that done and it was. We got there 1/2 an hour before they closed so there were not many people and it was quick and easy. We got a very large wreath for the front of the house and some garland for the mantel and above one doorway inside. It all looks so festive. So as far as decorating goes, we are all set for Christmas. As far as presents go, I am no where near ready! I hate shopping online even in the best of times and now it is so much more difficult and yet necessary. I am attempting to make some presents, which I love to do but is more time consuming. Wish me luck!

I talked to Olive the other day and she seems to be doing well. It sounds like the place where she lives is nice and very easy to manage pandemic conditions while staying safe. She also told me a scary story about her old neighbors. Apparently they were robbed (only a few things were taken) while they were home. They let a man into the house who claimed to be from the electric company and while they were showing him the circuit panel downstairs, other men were upstairs filling a pillowcase with their belongings. Their pet birds alerted them to the fact that someone was upstairs so Bob ran up and found two men. He chased them with an Irish walking stick to their car and hit the car as it drove away. There was an article in the newspaper about them and they still haven’t apprehended the men. Isn’t that awful? You know Olive, she couldn’t believe that they would have let the man into the house in the first place without ID or anything. 

Emma started the confirmation classes at church, did I tell you that? It is called YOW or Youth On Wednesdays. She told me that she likes the classes because they are fun. Steve and I think it is great because if she had refused to do them we were going to arrange some self-directed religious learning that would have probably been more intense in the long-run. Whew!

I went into the nature center yesterday to help “train” the new director, Courtney. I know her since she used to teach summer camps. I think she will be great but it made me sad. I know that quitting was the right decision for my family. It is just so hard to go back there and not jump in or to realize that I really don’t know what is going on. Someone else is making the decisions and moving the program forward. I saw some families and children from last year- broke my heart a little. But then when Annika has a meltdown or Emma has anxiety flare-ups, I feel better. 

I am going to help Steve unload the groceries and put them away when he gets home, which should be any minute. Then I would like to do a little knitting (cat fur) before I go to bed. So much to do!

Love, Tara

Grandma R- letter 1

 Dear Grandma,

Hi from chilly Madison! How are you? I hope that you are staying warm where you are- I know you tend to get chilly easily. 

We are doing okay. Steve continues to work outside of the house. Emma is worried about that even though they all wear masks and so far he hasn't come into contact with anyone who has been in contact with COVID-19 cases. So that's good. He still rides his bike back and forth to work every day, which is an amazing release for him. Did I tell you that he got a promotion? He hated the project manager role and now he is doing something different with a different set of people to supervise. He says that it isn't as stressful and so far he seems to get less phone calls at random hours. It is embarrassing that I cannot recall his title!

As I mentioned Emma does get worried about so many things these days. She takes after you! She has started to see a counselor who is helping her manage her anxiety with brain and mind exercises/tricks. For example, she encouraged Emma to choose ahead of time how often she will ride with me when I take Annika to school. Emma had been so worried that I would drive off and not come back so she was coming with for every drop-off and pick up. Poor thing is worrying herself sick sometimes. We started a "secret" journal between the two of us. She will write down whatever she wants to share and then I write her back. She really seems to like the process. I hope it helps.

Can you believe that Emma is in 7th grade now? She is, of course, excelling at all the subjects. She doesn't really care for the material for this semester (micro-economy) but she completes her work with pride and always has high or great participation in discussions. She also loves to play the piano. I don't know if she can remember how you used to play. I do- you were so good. I wish I could have learned some of your skills.

Emma continues to ride horses and finds that the horses are a form of therapy. She feels so much more calm and centered when she gets to ride and be around the horses. Annika and I also started taking lessons. It is so much fun! I love it! We are learning to post when trotting, which Emma has been doing for years and makes it look so easy. It is not but Wes, our riding instructor, tells us that it is like riding a bike- once we figure it out we won't forget. It may be too cold to go today though I really want to give it another go. It may be our last chance until the spring.

You would be impressed with the musical talent of both girls! Annika is still taking violin lessons and has quite the ear for music. She plunks out violin songs on the piano and other songs just by using her ear. She loves to share the story about Grandpa telling Scott and I when we were young and interested in the violin that we are too old to learn to play a stringed instrument because we didn't start when we were 3 years old. Annika's violin teacher, however, told her that you are never really too old to learn- it just might take a little longer or be more difficult the older you are. (She encouraged me to learn to play the bass if I want!) So Annika is sort of proving Grandpa wrong, but I think he would be proud of her anyway. 

Steve's parents are doing well. They love farm life! I think there are over 20 goats on their property now but currently there are no "milkers". They have been doing some traveling and didn't want to leave their high school helper with the additional task of milking a goat two times per day. Mom will pick it back up in the spring. We haven't really acquired a taste for goat milk plain but Mom makes delicious tapioca and many other foods that we enjoy. I wish you could taste her food and visit the farm!

At the farm they also have Zena, the pony that Emma helped to train two summers ago, Charley (a large pony mix), 2 horses, a mule and a donkey. They are all sweet and a lot of fun. We are figuring out how to best saddle Charley for rides, how to get Emerald (the paint horse) to move once she is saddled, and Emma may ride Welly (the standardbred) soon. It is never a dull moment! I can hear you telling us to be careful! 

You used to tell me that I was burning my candle at both ends and it finally happened. Being the nature preschool director wore me down pretty completely so I quit in June. It was a gradual quitting but I was on the phone with my boss one day explaining how I needed a hard end date when Annika had one of her fits of rage. She was screaming and beating the door and I just started to sob. Right then my boss took over my email duties and told me to step back. I was so relieved and still am. From that point on, one of my educators stepped up as interim director and I was free. Every so often someone at the preschool needs help with something, but it is low-stress and easy. My candle is back up in action now.

Being at home all the time has its pros and cons. I am getting a lot of projects done. You know how I love projects! Emma feels better not being home by herself all day long; if I was working she would have to be. And we can help Annika with her anger management. It is like her colicky days but worse. Because now she has words to throw around and strong arms and legs with which to hurt people. I wonder if it would remind you of anyone in the family when they were little or even as adults. But being home all the time is tough. I feel for all those families who have to work from home and help their children with school work. The teen years are going to be challenging for us I think. :)

Anyway, I will write again soon. We miss you so much!

Love from all of us,

Tara

Hummingbird

B.B. King sang about his hummingbird- I've wondered if this was a code for something. Perhaps an innuendo of sorts. Regardless, that song is playing over and over in my head right now. I have been thinking about this hummingbird "incident" that happened over the weekend, looking for some spiritual or cosmic meaning behind what happened. I find it hard to believe that it was just what it looked like- a hummingbird searching the area for food or checking on a possible threat.
My family and I went to Wyalusing SP for a camping adventure this past weekend. It has been on my list of places to camp ever since I read about it in our Best Tent Camping in Wisconsin book. Perhaps I have also heard people talk about it as well. It is an amazing place! It is now one of our top favorite places in our great state. The confluence of the MIssissippi and Wisconsin Rivers is truly a marvel and given the recent flooding (and still flooded slough) it is a wonder that a city like Prairie du Chien can thrive there. We spotted bald eagles, a soaring flock of white pelicans, and countless small song birds. Our long hike took us along the ridge overlooking the rivers, down to the Mississippi Slough , up another ridge and back to the top where the campground lies. The submerged tree trunks and tips of grasses poking up out of the deep water were mind boggling. Are these species adapted to survive this kind of flooding? Have they lost their leaves early because of this or are they dying? What will the area look like over the coming weeks and months. Will the water recede before winter? Imagine frozen water creeping up the sides of these massive trees, hiding the ground or water ways below. Such mystery. All of these natural wonders and hardly any hummingbirds that I was told were witnessed by a fellow colleauge on her trip years ago. Apparently my husband saw several of these tiny winged beings out of the ranger station window while checking us in.
We were packing up our campsite on Sunday morning and all of a sudden Steve said, there's a hummingbird. Like a flipped switch we all stopped and watched it zooming over and around the shrubs. Then it zoomed towards Steve and stopped several feet away, hovering at eye level. A few seconds passed and then it shot to the right and paused eye-level in front of me. Another few seconds and it shot to the right again and paused in front of Emma. For those brief seconds I felt my mind and heart trying to connect to this bird. Whose soul was lingering there? Whose ghostly mirage was linked to the beating of those wings, seeking some answer to their unknown question. We are fine- we are great I wanted to say. But I also wanted to ask, who are you? We miss you!
Skeptics will surely say it was just a bird. But I don't know. I want it to have been my grandmother, just checking in to make sure we are okay. To let us know that she is okay.
Time could have stopped long enough for me to count the beats of the hummingbird's wings.

Rest in Peace

Bugga passed away on Saturday. We are cherishing the time that we got to spend with her on Wisconsin turf this summer and fall. So many good memories. And so much that reminded me of my own grandma. The girls were able to make some memories that I hope will resonate with them their whole lives. After she returned to California (Oct 9th) she was at her house. I don't think we called. She sent back 2 beautiful rosemaling painted wooden plates for the girls with Dad. I thought about calling and the timing was never right. So we didn't get to have one last chat. She didn't get to hear us say thank you for a little slice of Norwegian heritage. She sent Emma a birthday card with a wonderful note inside. I feel so guilty and heartwrenchingly sad that we did not make contact again before she passed. I hope she knows that she was always on our mind and we were always sending love across the miles. After she fell and was in the hospital I did message the daughter that was with her and asked her to pass along our good wishes. I also asked for her phone number so that we could call. We were told that she wasn't good on the phone but that we would be sent the number when she felt better. 1-2 days later she was gone and we never got the hospital number.
Later on Saturday after Dad with the awful news, we were talking as a family about what to have for brunch the next day. Steve tossed out egg cheese casserole to which I replied, yes! that would be a super fitting dish since it was Bugga's signature breakfast recipe. Our brunch turned into a celebration of life feast for Bugga. We made egg cheese casserole, pumpkin praline waffles, sliced strawberries and whipped cream, diced cantaloupe, bacon, and of course, orange juice. We invited Mom and Dad and Emma set up an ofrenda. We ate and shared some stories and just soaked up the fact that we all got to spend several months with Bugga before she left. The tears didn't set in until church Sunday morning. The gates were opened and I could barely keep it together. Then it all hit again today on the drive to work. It is so weird how grief works. Thoughts of both Bugga and Grandma were spinning around in my head. Some of the moments I shared earlier were in the forefront- Toots, canasta, etc.
I shared our egg cheese casserole idea with my "sisters" and hoped that they would find a way to celebrate Bugga's life. What they all have ended up doing (or committed to doing) is make egg cheese. Pictures have been shared and the iconic meal has been shared across the world. One sibling family (grandchildren of Bugs) is temporarily living in Germany and they had to take 3 buses to find Jack cheese, without which egg cheese would lose half it's deliciousness.
A google picture sharing has commenced with snapshots of Bugga through the years, with various combinations of family members. First great grandchild, additional babies, weddings, road trips and generations of Delwiche family members sharing happy moments with the matriarch.
So to Bugga I say, rest in peace. You have lived a full and happy life (for my part). We will miss you greatly. I hope that you and Grandma are able to share some memories and look down at us and smile. We love you!