6 days late...

...and everyone is healthy and happy!
     Annika Marie is a beautiful bundle that I thank God for every day. And then every night I wonder what the hell I got myself into.
     Every time I nurse her she falls asleep! The advice from the nurse at the hospital and then her doctor via the PA is the same as the advice in the books I have at home: tickle her toes, put her skin-to-skin with your belly, use a cool wash cloth on her back, burp her, change her.  I can do all of those things but the only sure fire way to get her to wake up and want to keep eating is to lay her down to sleep. Swaddle her, lay her down, say good night and walk away. Boom- she's up and hungry. Well, sometimes I have to also lay down and start to drift to sleep.  So I have to wonder, is it just me?  What are the secret tricks that no one wants to share?  Why does this have to happen every single time?
     At least I am worrying less about her getting enough to eat. She gained 4 ounces in 2 days bringing her closer to her birth weight.  But according to the literature, she should be eating 15-20 minutes per side at every feeding. It's almost laughable. And I am laughing- my Buddhism for Mothers book recommends this strategy for dealing with life's suffering. It is only the end of week 1 but so far I am handling the middle of the night frustrations better than with Emma.
      I have set myself up better this time around, though. I am armed every night in the guest room with the following: small lamp burning relatively bright, hand-held Tetris game, Buddhism for Mothers, record sheets from the hospital for recording times and duration of feedings (plus wet and dirty diaper tallies), pen, burp cloths, pillows, changing table close by, and the list of topics for the nature center preschool program lessons I am writing.  The benefits for this set up are numerous. The most important being that I am able to be more awake and not having to stare at my cozy bed for the entire 40-50 event wishing that I was asleep and thinking dreadful, selfish thoughts about how long the process is taking. The other distractions are a nice way to keep my mind in a pleasant state. I should be practicing mindful awareness but I have some months to get to that point. The list of topics has actually been very worthwhile. I had no idea I could be so creative at 3 in the morning!  I have a lot of ideas and have almost made it half-way through the fall lessons in just a few days.
  Now that I have it all written out, it doesn't sound so bad does it? Maybe the night times really aren't hellish after all...

Cranky Mama

Oh boy. So today is the due date for baby. Aside from some random contractions that started yesterday evening and lasted until around 1 am, there is nothing happening today that I can tell. NO one likes a complainer but I have to say that I have had enough!  My belly has gotten so big that even going to the bathroom is hard and uncomfortable to do. Sleeping is a drag. Leg cramps, my right hip muscles ache constantly and turning over is like actual work that results in painful stomach twangs. So I cried in the shower this morning and am as despondent as the cloudy skies outside my window.

Emma was 11 days early the morning after my water broke. That was such a nice, easy and straightforward beginning and ending to labor and delivery. I fear that once things actually get going with this baby, it will be anything but easy or straightforward. I shouldn't be fretting or anxious because I doubt that helps with the progression of things but I can't help it. Blame it on the pregnancy hormones.

The real funny thing is that a few weeks ago people were already saying, oh it looks like you are ready to go! You won't make it to August. Are you having twins? When I would tell someone my due date that would look at me like I was crazy and say, wow you have a ways to go. Why would I lie about the due date? I would happily have said July something if only that would have made it true.

The waiting isn't just hard on me. Emma is really struggling. Her behavior has been completely out of control at times and the level of sass would have some teenagers taking notes. The other day I told her calmly (for once I kept my cool) that I didn't like her attitude to which she responded, I don't like your attitude. I swear she tilted her head to one side, stuck out the opposite hip and seriously looked 13. I almost laughed.

We have tried recreating what we did the night Emma was born with no luck. I had a doctor's appointment on Wednesday the 8th. There was nothing happening so we had the talk about how long the doc would make we wait for the baby to come. I believe I said, how long will you allow me to stay like this? The doctor said she won't let me go past 42 weeks but that she starts to get nervous around week 41. When she measured my belly (I think it was 43!) she said, yep, baby is done and can come out. Great- make that happen please!  Going all-natural in terms of the beginning of labor tends to be better overall than being induced. So waiting is the better option in general. However, if by next Wednesday there is still no baby, we will pick the date to be induced and also set up some baby monitoring sessions (baby might not be coming out but that doesn't mean baby is happy in my belly). If the monitoring is fine, we wait until the chosen induction date. If baby shows signs of distress, we induce earlier. Now I am all for letting nature do it's thing- in a timely manner!  Come on already.   So I didn't really cry after that appointment but I did talk to a best friend (half of the Emma requirements were satisified by late morning). For dinner we had lemon chicken and veggie fried rice from the Chinese place down the road. That night while laying in bed I willed my water to break to no avail.

The week before on Saturday I think we went to the Olive Garden for dinner. Olive Garden salad dressing has supposedly worked for my sister-in-law and countless women according to her online research. I ate all the drenched lettuce leaves at the bottom of the bowl and that night was hopeful that something magical would happen before I fell asleep. Nothing.

I haven' been very good at walking as a remedy. My feet and ankles are always at least slightly swollen and the only shoes I can fit my fat feet into are flip flops. They do not provide very good support. So I suppose I should stop complaining and start doing something. I just need to get out of this funk! I feel so blue even though I am wearing my favorite green sweater with green earrings and brightly colored glass pendant. Work your magic, green!