Sea Dreams

My family and I went to France for spring break and had an amazing time. But those thoughts and memories are for another time. The only relevant part has to do with the fact that we flew over an ocean and the in-flight map that depicted our plane's flight path across the ocean always brought a little fear to my heart.
I do not like the ocean. Or rather I am deeply afraid of it. I appreciate the beauty and majesty of it from naturalist and religious aspects but I prefer to marvel at the mysterious creatures and dynamic presence from the safety of the sand. I might venture in as far as my waist but my feet need to feel the  semi-firm ground beneath my being.
Once, or rather twice in my life I have snorkeled- on the shores of Maui and Costa Rica. The terror that rose up in Hawaii every time I put my face in the water was palpable in my every pore. My face was like a bobber being handled by an impatient toddler. I am lucky I saw any fish at all. The silence of the scene had me convinced that something was going to sneak up behind me and attack.  It was not a long endeavor but I was proud of myself for having given it a go. The plane ride to Hawaii was uneventful for me because I was given valium and an alcoholic beverage prior to boarding.  It may sound extreme but I was highly anxious and in danger of completely freaking out.  Waking up as the plane was landing (on top of the water?!) was momentarily horrifying so the fact that I willingly sought out a personal relationship with the cove and its critters is somewhat amazing.
I was much more brave in Costa Rica, but very careful to stay a safe distance away from shore. My head did not bob quite so frequently but the same surges of quiet, rising fear threatened to disable me. I felt a bit more free, especially as I watched Steve exploring with near abandon.
Back to watching the plane move at a snails pace on the map had me swallowing the same fear.  This time I had to hold it together for the sake of my kids. I refused to let my brain fill with images of the plane crash landing on a never ending wave with a horizon free of land. (shudder) That ocean is no big deal. We are fine. Don't think about it. The mantra of an ocean phobic person.
Is it ironic that just when I thought I had survived the plane trip with some dignity and with relatively little fear and no panic, I was wrong and due for a humdinger of a nightmare?  Literally.  All of those emotions that I gulped down and suppressed resurface themselves in my dreams the night after we returned.

The sea roiled and the waves were taller than any building in the sea-side city.  No matter how far I walked from the beach area, the ocean was a stones throw away. It was like a feral dog that follows you where ever you go. No amount of shouting will make it runaway. Like my own shadow, creeping behind me or beside me.
 One night the waves crashed down on the city. The boat that was my temporary haven was thrown from side to side. (The was some sort of miraculous cushion in my subconscious reality that kept my dream self safe from injury. I have never experienced being thrown against a wall or tossed to the floor like a piece of trash so in my dream I recognized being hurt without feeling pain or exhibiting any symptoms.) The scene was completely terrifying. I had no idea what the people on the land were doing- were they OK?  How could they be okay? The sea was everywhere!
Then the sky opened up and rain fell in sheets. Lightning flashed and thunder boomed. Water was everywhere. When it finally subsided, the city was covered in a layer of liquid, distorting the streets and horizontal surfaces.  Every step sloshed. The earth was a shallow puddle that seamlessly connected with the bottomless salty depths of the sea.
Life went back to normal in this weird wet world.  My naturalist job continued with computer work. I was slightly concerned that the cords and wires might cause some electrocution, but that fear was not consuming me.  I was jittery with new love for a colleague; I had no husband or kids in dreamland. This man was my fresh and wild romance. Sparks shot between our fingers when our eyes met and when we kissed it was of fairy tale proportions. The Princess Bride states it so eloquently. You know the part- that this kiss blew all the other historical kisses (just a handful have made history) away. And always in the background (or foreground) was the churning sea.
This new and intense love was brief. Not long after the sea turned our city into a shallow pond I saw the tsunami coming as I walked to work. It was doomsday wrapped up in a salty drink.  I rushed to my lover who was typing away at the computer. It amazed me that he didn't see the danger right-outside-the-window.  I urged him to move quickly.  My panic was not just for the inevitable crush of water but for our love. Could it drown so quickly without experiencing longevity- new firsts in different chapters of our lives?  It made my heartache to think that this intangible conection might be swept away.
We headed to a car so we could drive up the mountain- along with the villagers. and still that mother of all waves inched its way closer. We could not get high enough to avoid the crash- it seemed bound to get us for sure. My heart was beating wildly out of control as the panic rose in my throat.  I was annoyed at my love-why was he moving so slowly? Didn't he see the end of the earth right there?
My heartbeat faster and faster and the anxiety built like a solid wall in my chest. I kept glancing over my shoulder out the back window of the car- down the hill and out across the port- that wave was bigger than anything I could imagine.  The world would be one giant ocean and no sanctuaries of land. I was almost in tears as tore my eyes from the horror and looked at my love. I reached for his hand, wnating to feel the spark. Knowing that the weight of that much water would annhilate our bodies and our love. Then I awoke.

Of course I was scared but actually I also felt a little relieved. The emotions had all been released. Whew. (But typing this and in essence reliving that nightmare crazy. I scared myself!)
I often wonder if watching Jaws as a kid was really enough to cause my intense distrust of the ocean and the wonder of the deep. What else could it mean? so I search for meaning beyond the phobic obviousness.
My dream dictionaries have been my friends since high school. Ocean according to one book is this (only relevant parts included here): the meaning of this dream varies according to its details and action...The ocean...if very rough or stormy, it is a warning that real courage will be needed to overcome your obstacles...
Well, one major obstacle in my life that I am currently trying to work through is my alcoholic mother. Perhaps another time we can analyze that can of worms.
Storms according to the same book are obstacle dreams and portend a season of discontent from which you will only recover when you realize that you are the master of your own fate.
Water if rough or murky signifies difficulties.

I wonder which is worse: the fear of the ocean or the potential obstacles or difficulties life may bring. It is like swallowing a whole boat load of salt water. Makes you sick, leaves a bad taste in your mouth, dehydrates you and makes you cough. Not necessarily in that order.
Wish me luck as i sail the waters of life! Maybe flying over the water is better...